Week 1

I don’t know if any of you guys have ever had an ingrown toenail or not, but it hurts like a son of a bitch.  I have always had problems with the inside of my toenail on my big toes, and I have assumed it was because I didn’t know how to trim my toenails when I was a kid and trimmed them down the side instead of straight across the top or some shit.  I am an occasional runner, which only magnifies the uncomfortable nature of an ingrown toenail on your big toe, but also gives you a fantastic warning that you better fix it before it gets any worse.  For some reason, I have not been running much since the end of July.  Most people have a word for that reason, “lazy.”  I can’t argue with that.  Because of my lack of recent running, or any exercise for that matter, my toenail had started to go rogue again without my noticing.  It was only tonight at my daughter’s soccer practice that I noticed some pretty good discomfort down there, so I quickly hatched a plan.  My goal for tonight was to drink a bunch of whiskey and dig that fucker out.  It is currently 8:57 as I type this, and I have had a pretty good amount of whiskey and a beer, and am currently suffering from a throbbing, bloody toe.  I am now able to discount any Civil War book I have ever read where they say a guy would drink a shot of whiskey before some hillbilly doctor would lop off his arm with a rusty saw.  All I did was cut my damn toenail and I was practically blinded by the pain.  No way would that help one bit during an actual amputation of one of your four main limbs.  I feel like such a pussy when compared to this guy.

It’s good to be back in the swing of fantasy football.  I know most of you guys are from the south (South of I-80).  I can’t remember the exact town that Jack has moved to, but know it was close to Des Moines, so there is a chance that he has joined me as the only other northerner in this league.  I’m really hoping that you moved to Johnston or all the way up to Ankeny or some other great place.  I’ve always been a fan of Grimes, myself.  Anyway, the point is that living up here it has been way too long since the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup, and waiting for decent sports to come around has taken forever, not that you Cardinals fans would know anything about that.  Not sure if you were paying attention or not, but there isn’t a whole lot of good baseball going on in the Chicago/Milwaukee corridor of the world.  As a matter of fact, in an attempt to bring a little bit of credibility to this here column, I did a little of my own research.  The combination of the White Sox, Cubs, and Brewers are currently 68 games under .500.  It could be 67 or 69 by the time you read this since the Brewers and Cardinals are currently only in the sixth inning and I’ll be damned if I’m actually going to go back to correct that.

 

Back to football.  Football is good, and I mean American Football, not the less popular Mexican Futbol.  I honestly don’t remember a weekend that had as many games that kicked ass as this weekend.  Just a quick recap:

• Peyton Manning with seven TD’s to start the season off.

• Jets win on last second fieldgoal because of some dumbass on Tampa Bay with a dipshit penalty.

• Bears win aided by a dipshit penalty by the Bengals defense after a stop on third and eight with about a minute left.

• Packers versus Niners goes down to the last minute between the two teams that I think will meet again in the NFC Championship game.

• Eagles run 53 offensive plays IN THE FIRST HALF in their impressive win over the Redskins.

• Patriots need yet another last minute drive by Tom Brady to beat the Bills, who were pretty damn close to starting an undrafted free agent rookie at quarterback.

• The young Rams staging a fourth quarter comeback to edge their division rival Cardinals.

• The Colts hanging on to win against the Raiders.

• The Cowboys hanging on to victory vs. the Giants despite the Giants five or six turnovers.

• And last but not least, the Chargers blowing a 21 point third quarter lead and Norv Turner isn’t even around to blame.  I’m not going to lie about this one, but when SD went up by 21 after halftime I went to bed only to wake up to read the headlines.  Past experience should not have let me be surprised, yet I still was.

That wasn’t a bad list considering I’m pretty drunk and didn’t do any research on it at all.  I bet that there were a few other good games that I missed, but you can go look them up yourself.  Man, do I love football.

I'll hopefully be back later this week with some more great stuff.  I think that rather than bore everyone with 2,100 words once a week like I have done in the past, that I just might post some smaller stuff several times a week.  The main reason for this is that staying up until 1:00 in the morning and getting drunk while typing things that might get read by  8 people who are only part of the same circle of friends because of fake football decreases my chances of getting laid by 1/7.  When you are as unlucky as me, you really can't afford that 14.2%.

By the way, the name of this girl is Amy Childs: