Week 3,4,5 Recap
I know that pretty much everyone thinks that I am really living the high life. That is mostly due to the fact that I'm fairly competent in the skill of deception. Let's be honest here. How many people who have a legitimate job, a couple of kids, and a wife really have the ability to watch as much football as I claim to watch? Unfortunately, I really do watch as much football as I claim, which leaves me little time for much else. As much as I'm scared to death at the idea of my daughter, who literally gets sidetracked on her way to the bathroom and will spend a half an hour reading a book or playing with a piece of string before remembering that she had to go so bad, being able to drive a car, I wish they would lower the driving age to 8 so we could quit dragging her sister and her all over hell to activities. Wouldn't it be great to actually come home from work and BE AT HOME. I'm not one of those crazy dads that makes their kids do a bunch of shit that they hate so I can brag to people that my daughter can swim, play soccer, clean my lawnmower's carburetor, and do an interpretive dance. They barely do anything but we are always busy. I'm not alone, here, either. The town I live in is apparently batshit crazy about youth sports. My good friend has a third grader in football (pads, helmets, protective cups), and they had four consecutive weeks of two and a half hour practices in August before their first game. Once school started, the practices were pared down to only four nights a week for two hours. When the sun started to set around 7:00 they actually go to a football field in town that has lights so they could practice longer. All of this for six games on Saturdays that end with the score 6-7 or 7-0. I don't get it, and I'm glad as hell that I'm not 8 years old nowadays. What is the point to all of this? I really don't know, but am sure it has something to do with me trying to make an excuse for not writing on here for three weeks. As pathetic as it sounds, it's true. My apologies to all of my devoted fans. I'll try harder.I'm not sure what in the hell is going on lately, but there seems to have been an incredible increase in the amount of skunks everywhere. There were several nights this summer where we had to close the windows because of all the skunk spraying going on outside. Thankfully everyone around here has the same problem going on so when neighbors come over they don't just assume that I am too lazy to get up and use the bathroom, instead choosing to shit in grocery bags and leave them lying around. Now that I think of it, that wouldn't be such a bad idea if only I wasn't too lazy to get up to get a grocery bag. My exhaustive research has led me to the discovery that basically the only natural predator of the skunk is the Great Horned Owl. Whoopty Fucking Doo. When is the last time you even saw a Great Horned Owl that wasn't on TV or stuffed and sitting on a table in a classy bar? When I actually do go running it is early in the morning, and at least every third time I see a skunk somewhere along the way. My neighbor had an unfortunate incident a few weeks ago where she let her dog out and he got sprayed by a skunk. She was home alone with her two month old daughter and had to leave the dog out until her husband returned from some sort of "business trip." The dog barks a lot as it is and hates to be outside. Compound that with the fact that the dog was scared to death of the skunk and it made for a long night in the neighborhood. I'll also never forget when a friend of mine in high school hit a skunk with his car on the way to school. I am not making this up, his car smelled so bad that it was disrupting school so they had him drive his car home with someone following him to bring him back to school. That car smelled for weeks. I ask myself why that wicked bitch Mother Nature couldn't just have given the poor skunk some sensible form of defense like razor sharp talons or the ability to use a small firearm.
Babe of the Week
I'm seriously thinking of just looking up British babes from here on out. Some of these foxes are minor celebrities in Britain. It's too easy to just google babes all day and post a picture of some model on here. What is the fun in that. Go by a Maxim Magazine if that's what you want. You will have no chance of seeing one of them on TV or in a movie because they are just paid to look pretty in still photographs. I need to search out ladies who you may one day run across while flipping through channels or when your wife drags you to some movie. I used to watch a lot of soap operas on the Spanish channels because they pretty much all featured the hottest women on the planet wearing the smallest clothes allowed by law. The only problem was that I didn't speak Spanish. I'm sure you are all aware of how horrible almost all of British TV is. The only difference between the British shows and Spanish shows is that I can somewhat understand the British ones. It is nice to see that they have adopted the Mexican model of creating a show, which is to just put super hot chicks on TV hoping someone will watch. Content be damned. While trying to find some background on this week's selection of Kelly Brook, I was not only able to look at a bunch of pictures of her, but also learn about an awesome British phenomenon called Gurning. It turns out Ms. Brook was in a British "comedy" movie called "Keith Lemon: The Film." Please click Here and read the plot of the movie. That is one movie I really need to get a hold of. The premise of this movie was basically that she was going to marry a rich dude and then divorce him and take all his money. A problem arose, however, when his invention apparently forces everyone to Gurn. I have to give the British credit, they really figured out a way to take advantage of their looks. Here's a pretty great article about gurning. Anyway, enjoy.
Real Football
There has been a lot of football since we last spoke. Almost too much to comprehend. In the span of four weeks the Chargers went from being the Chargers, to looking fairly competent, back to being the Chargers. Chicago fans have gone from wanting to erect a statue of Marc Trestman outside of Soldier Field to wanting him shipped back to Canada. Peyton Manning has thrown more touchdowns in 5 games than all but 8 Chicago Bears had thrown in an entire SEASON (1995 Erik Kramer leads that shit-filled list with 29). No less than 17 Packer's linebackers have injured a hamstring. I could go on all night. Eli Manning has thrown more interceptions than Peyton threw all of last year including the playoffs. Jacksonville still sucks, however. Here are a few observations for those who care:
1. I don't want to toot my own horn here, but please humor me. Take a look at the last column at the things I had to say about football in this section. They are all dead on. Not bad, but it does create a certain amount of pressure.
2. No big surprise here, but I'm just not sure how any team will beat the Broncos this year. That is until they get to the playoffs and Peyton Favre's another one away.
3. Why do they even bother with kickoffs anymore. I don't look at stats, but I can't imagine that any more than 10% of kickoffs don't go through the endzone. The only time this provides me any entertainment at all is when some dumbass special teams guy who only gets on the field a few times a game tries to run one out from 8 yards deep and will never see the field again.
4. It's hard not to feel at least a little bad for Steelers fans but their team has been good since 1970. I said it is hard, but not impossible.
5. It's cute how the Vikings think they have found the answer to their problems in Josh Freeman. There's a guy who wasn't even allowed to play for a team that is 0-4. Adrian Peterson is the new Barry Sanders.
I'll admit that I have a pretty sweet office. Our building is in an office park that was built around a small man-made pond. I have a window that looks out over the pond. There are a few ducks out there, though, that really piss me off. Yes, we all know the phrase "Like water off a duck's back," but they sure as hell don't have to be so cocky about it. I swear to you the only time I ever see those ducks is when it is raining. The skies open up, and here they come showing off their water-proof backs. I never realized just how cocky a duck really is.
Kevn's LeAd Pip e LOck f the Week brought to you by Chivas
Don't let the title of this new feature fool you. There are no typos. I have decided to retire JoeBoo's Triple Bullseye Pick of the Week in honor of the bottle of Chivas Regal that Kevin apparently polished off by himself during this year's draft.
The name has changed, but the game's still the same. The whole point of this section was to prove to you how foolish it is to bet on football, and I think I do a damn good job of that. Mostly because I'm too lazy to look (and because I have no idea what my CBS Sports login and password are) I don't know what my record in picking games was last year. If I had to guess it was probably 6-9 or maybe 7-8. My last pick here was taking the Giants (+1 1/2) at the Panthers. "No Brainer," I said. Well would you look at that. The Panthers won in dramatic fashion 38-0. This game is unreal. This week I'm going with San Fran (-11) at home over Arizona. That is a lot of points to be giving, but I'm really feeling good about this one.
I went to a Cubs game about three weeks ago. Before you call me crazy, I went with a friend of mine who is from Pittsburgh and he asked me to go along because it was potentially the game that the Pirates were going to clinch a playoff spot (they did). Anyway, due to the fact that the Cubs are terrible and it is the end of the season, the stadium was probably less than half full. Anticipating this fact, there is only a skeleton crew of beer vendors walking around. I'm guessing that professional baseball beer vendor isn't their only job, so if there isn't much chance of making tips most of these guys aren't showing up. This leaves you with the worst beer vendors available. The guy who was working our section had either a terribly aggravated sciatic nerve, one leg that was about three inches shorter than the other, or a combination of both. He had one of the worst limps that I have ever seen. Couple that with the fact that this guy is lugging around about 40 pounds of beer and he was in pretty bad shape. You all know how these vendors carry their beer. It is in a big plastic tray that is held up with a strap around their neck and the tray leaning against their belly. Well, every time this guy took a step (he is obviously walking up and down steps also), his entire body was twisting around violently about 90 degrees to compensate for the limp and the fact that he is carrying around a bunch of extra weight. He wasn't necessarily strong enough to carry the beer effortlessly, so his gyrations were also used to kind of push the beer out ahead of him so he could take a step and catch back up to the tray. While I still feel bad about laughing at the guy, I can't quit thinking about how every beer he opened up sprayed foam all over the place. I witnessed this over and over, and it was just as funny every time. I'm glad I was drinking Pepsi that night.
Song / Youtube clip of the week
This has been making the rounds a bit lately, but I just wanted to make sure you all saw it.