Week Two

Bear with me here, people.  Let me be the first to apologize for last week's feeble attempt at posting something even moderately interesting.  I had every intention of making one or two additional posts as the week went on.  I have met all of you in person, and know that you are all hard-working white folk, so I'm sure you will understand when I say that work got in the way of me fulfilling my wishes.  I usually don't mind working because every other Friday, through the magic of the internet and various lasers, several dozen dollars land in my bank account.  Last week was a real bitch.  Not only did I have to put up with all kinds of shit because the Bears won and the Packers lost, but I was busy as a set of twins.  Now that I'm through the rough patch, I'll try to make it up to you.

While sitting with my family this evening contemplating tonight's column I received a one word text from my cousin, Bart.  Yes, he is named after five-time world champion Bart Starr, and, yes, I was going to name my first born son Brett (he turned out to be my oldest daughter, Ella), that simply read ESPN2.  I immediately turned to Comcast channel 203 to discover that the NFL films recap of Super Bowl XLV was playing.  With all apologies to Joe Berry, I'll refresh your memories.  This was the Packers victory over the Steelers from a few years ago.  I immediately was taken from my chair back about three years to the actual game.  I started sweating, my heart rate increased to somewhat unhealthy levels, and I cracked open a beer to enjoy what I knew was about to happen.  Several beers later, the Packers were world's champions, and I was slightly buzzed.  I then realized that it was already nine o'clock and I still hadn't typed shit.  I realized that what I needed to do was walk up to 7-11 to grab a giant Pepsi so I wouldn't fall asleep.  What I failed to realize was that I had changed into my pajamas and a pair of slippers because I hadn't planned on leaving my house.  The walk to 7-11 is a real lesson in what a land of opportunity we all live in.  I have to pass, in order, a Korean dry cleaners, the liquor store that is owned by a Chinese lady named So Yung (I wish I was making that up), a Pizza place run by Mexicans, the token subway, an empty store, and finally the 7-11 owned by some Indians or Pakistanis or something.  The only people still working at this hour were the Mexican's and I'm sure they were all laughing at me.  I'm sure of this because they were all laughing as I walked by and they have nothing else to laugh about because they are working at a pizza place at 9:30 on a Tuesday.  I'm glad I could make their night.  Anyway, I now have my Pepsi complete with a little bit of Jim Beam, and here I am.  Let's rock.

Babe of the Week

I really don't know what to say about this chick, literally.  I stumbled across her by accident and couldn't believe what I was looking at.  I have done my cursory wikipedia search and let me tell you, this babe has been in absolutely nothing that I have ever heard of.  Apparently she was in the critically acclaimed "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" starring as 'Beautiful Woman in Painting.'  I don't even know what that means since I have never seen that movie, but I'm guessing that a picture of her might have appeared in a movie that was seen by at least dozens of people.  It just makes me think how many absolute knock-outs are walking around out there that we have never seen, and probably never will see. Why does this world have to be so damn big?  The fact that she is from England and no doubt has the accent to accompany her origin makes the boner I get from looking at her that much bigger.  Thank God for the internet.

Real Football

I know it has been quite some time since I posted my last legitimate column, so here is a reminder.  Those of you who want nothing to do with hearing about what I think about real football can just skip ahead to the next big bold heading.  The rest of you can go about reading right here.

1.  I know that Tom Brady is a pretty good quarterback, but it is possible that you might have to give him at least one teammate who could start at a mediocre Division I college.  The Patriots should probably be 0-2, but are just the opposite.  Not only that, they are 2-0 in the division.  What would we all give to have our favorite teams play in the dogshit AFC East.
2.  I know it is only week two, but I'm really confused about who is good.  The Eagles destroyed the Redskins in week one and were all of a sudden Super Bowl contenders.  They then traveled west and were beaten by the Chargers.  Does this mean that Houston is really not that good, that the Redskins will be 4-12, that the Chargers will flourish under a non-Norv Turner coach?  Man, I love football
3.  Tony Romo is probably a pretty good quarterback that will go down in history as an afterthought.
4.  Eli Manning will probably never beat his brother, but can always wear both of his Super Bowl rings to Thanksgiving dinner.
5.  I don't want to sound like one of those parents who is in favor of their kids getting a trophy even if their kid's team doesn't win a game.  For crying out loud, if I'm paying $125 for my kid to play soccer she damn well better get something to remember it by, but it just isn't fair to have to play in Seattle.  I'm not sure how to solve that problem, but taking away a team's ability to call a play because it is so fucking loud just doesn't seem fair.
6.  If I had to guess, the Ravens are probably going to join that long list of defending champions who won't make the playoffs.  I hope Joe Flacco buys his teammates something really nice.
7.  I'm slightly drunker than I thought.

Please pay attention to the NFL commercial for fantasy football that is running approximately every 15 seconds during football games.  It starts with some dude drafting Trent Richardson, and then Richardson carrying him on his shoulders.  It then moves to Demaryious Thomas carrying some other dude on his shoulders.  The final scene features Julio Jones with a dude on his shoulders and Matt Ryan sitting on a chair with a guy sitting on him.  It is pretty damn obvious that the guy on Ryan's shoulders is actually propped up on the chair.  Can Ryan not hold a guy up by himself?  Does he need to resort to props to perpetuate the idea that he can hoist another man by himself.  How fucking embarrassing for all of us white people.

Goat of the Week

There really isn't much of a goat to talk about this week, but there were a ton of great fantasy games.  It was great the Jack beat Jeff this week because two Packers played great, but shitty at the same time because Jeff would have won without a doubt had Eddie Lacy not been knocked out on the first play of the game by that cocksucker Brandon Meriweather.  I would say that the goat of the week is probably going to be me for the foreseeable future since I decided to draft a bunch of old guys who I knew would be hurt.  At the time this is going to get published, I have on my roster Steven Jackson, who is probably out for about a month with a bruised thigh, Roddy White, who will no doubt suffer the effects of his high ankle sprain for the remainder of the year, Rob Gronkowski, who will be back but not be a factor at all because the rest of the Patriots suck shit, and a bunch of other has-beens.  Congratulations to everyone who plays my team.  It is possible we are looking at the first winless team in the history of the KFFL.  That should be good for some sort of recognition, I think.  This would have bothered me in any other year, except I finally WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP LAST YEAR, BITCHES. (I had to say that since I was never given the opportunity in person since three of you backed out at the last minute.  Jared has earned the right to punch you all in the nuts the next time he sees you if you ever admit who you are.)

I had a pretty great idea a few days ago that women should start growing their pubic hairs out so they could style them in various styles much like a handlebar moustache.  They are called short and curly hairs for a reason, so I'm not even sure that this is a possibility, but wouldn't it be awesome if it worked?  No disrespect to the heritage of me or Jared, but I'm sure that anyone of Eastern European descent would, no doubt, excel at this endeavor.

Kevn's LeAd Pip e LOck f the Week brought to you by Chivas

 

Don't let the title of this new feature fool you.  There are no typos.  I have decided to retire JoeBoo's Triple Bullseye Pick of the Week in honor of the bottle of Chivas Regal that Kevin apparently polished off by himself during this year's draft.  I'll admit that it was pretty fun for me to pick a game last year and watch my pick go down in flames, especially if it taught any of you that it is foolish to bet on an NFL game.  Not nearly as fun, however, as watching Kevin's typing abilities slowly diminish as the draft wore on.
This week I'm going with the Giants (+1 1/2) at the Panthers.  There is no way in hell that Archie Manning would allow one of his offspring not named Cooper to shit the bed three weeks in a row.  I haven't seen Carolina play yet this year, but I am pretty convinced that they suck.  This is a no-brainer.

I have really started paying attention to stupid statistics that are popping up all over the place as well as stupid shit that announcers are saying.  Each week I'll try to point out a few of these.  First we have a graphic that appeared week one during the Texans v. Chargers game.  "JJ Watt sacks: 2012 season he had 20.5, so far this year 0."  This stat appeared at the beginning of the second quarter OF THE FIRST GAME OF THE SEASON.  My goodness.  I'm not even that good at math, but simple calculations would lead me to the fact that 20.5 sacks in a season is about 1.3 per game, or .32 per quarter, so I guess he was technically behind last years Defensive MVP pace.  Cripes.  At least they waited until the second quarter to flash that winner.
The second one that I came up with was during the Patriot's v. Jet's shitshow on Thursday night.  With 12:48 to go in the fourth quarter and the Pats up by three, the camera cut to a picture of Tom Brady on the sidelines.  One of the announcers said, "There's Tom Brady hoping to get another chance in this one."  My God.  What does that even mean?  His team is winning and the Jets are good for at least three more punts at this juncture.  I wish these announcers would just shut the hell up like Pat Summerall used to do and let us watch the game.

Song / Youtube Clip of the Week

Not much going on in music right now, but I saw this gem and just had to share.  Enjoy your week, dickheads.

Week 1

I don’t know if any of you guys have ever had an ingrown toenail or not, but it hurts like a son of a bitch.  I have always had problems with the inside of my toenail on my big toes, and I have assumed it was because I didn’t know how to trim my toenails when I was a kid and trimmed them down the side instead of straight across the top or some shit.  I am an occasional runner, which only magnifies the uncomfortable nature of an ingrown toenail on your big toe, but also gives you a fantastic warning that you better fix it before it gets any worse.  For some reason, I have not been running much since the end of July.  Most people have a word for that reason, “lazy.”  I can’t argue with that.  Because of my lack of recent running, or any exercise for that matter, my toenail had started to go rogue again without my noticing.  It was only tonight at my daughter’s soccer practice that I noticed some pretty good discomfort down there, so I quickly hatched a plan.  My goal for tonight was to drink a bunch of whiskey and dig that fucker out.  It is currently 8:57 as I type this, and I have had a pretty good amount of whiskey and a beer, and am currently suffering from a throbbing, bloody toe.  I am now able to discount any Civil War book I have ever read where they say a guy would drink a shot of whiskey before some hillbilly doctor would lop off his arm with a rusty saw.  All I did was cut my damn toenail and I was practically blinded by the pain.  No way would that help one bit during an actual amputation of one of your four main limbs.  I feel like such a pussy when compared to this guy.

It’s good to be back in the swing of fantasy football.  I know most of you guys are from the south (South of I-80).  I can’t remember the exact town that Jack has moved to, but know it was close to Des Moines, so there is a chance that he has joined me as the only other northerner in this league.  I’m really hoping that you moved to Johnston or all the way up to Ankeny or some other great place.  I’ve always been a fan of Grimes, myself.  Anyway, the point is that living up here it has been way too long since the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup, and waiting for decent sports to come around has taken forever, not that you Cardinals fans would know anything about that.  Not sure if you were paying attention or not, but there isn’t a whole lot of good baseball going on in the Chicago/Milwaukee corridor of the world.  As a matter of fact, in an attempt to bring a little bit of credibility to this here column, I did a little of my own research.  The combination of the White Sox, Cubs, and Brewers are currently 68 games under .500.  It could be 67 or 69 by the time you read this since the Brewers and Cardinals are currently only in the sixth inning and I’ll be damned if I’m actually going to go back to correct that.

 

Back to football.  Football is good, and I mean American Football, not the less popular Mexican Futbol.  I honestly don’t remember a weekend that had as many games that kicked ass as this weekend.  Just a quick recap:

• Peyton Manning with seven TD’s to start the season off.

• Jets win on last second fieldgoal because of some dumbass on Tampa Bay with a dipshit penalty.

• Bears win aided by a dipshit penalty by the Bengals defense after a stop on third and eight with about a minute left.

• Packers versus Niners goes down to the last minute between the two teams that I think will meet again in the NFC Championship game.

• Eagles run 53 offensive plays IN THE FIRST HALF in their impressive win over the Redskins.

• Patriots need yet another last minute drive by Tom Brady to beat the Bills, who were pretty damn close to starting an undrafted free agent rookie at quarterback.

• The young Rams staging a fourth quarter comeback to edge their division rival Cardinals.

• The Colts hanging on to win against the Raiders.

• The Cowboys hanging on to victory vs. the Giants despite the Giants five or six turnovers.

• And last but not least, the Chargers blowing a 21 point third quarter lead and Norv Turner isn’t even around to blame.  I’m not going to lie about this one, but when SD went up by 21 after halftime I went to bed only to wake up to read the headlines.  Past experience should not have let me be surprised, yet I still was.

That wasn’t a bad list considering I’m pretty drunk and didn’t do any research on it at all.  I bet that there were a few other good games that I missed, but you can go look them up yourself.  Man, do I love football.

I'll hopefully be back later this week with some more great stuff.  I think that rather than bore everyone with 2,100 words once a week like I have done in the past, that I just might post some smaller stuff several times a week.  The main reason for this is that staying up until 1:00 in the morning and getting drunk while typing things that might get read by  8 people who are only part of the same circle of friends because of fake football decreases my chances of getting laid by 1/7.  When you are as unlucky as me, you really can't afford that 14.2%.

By the way, the name of this girl is Amy Childs: